Just when you thought that the world couldn’t get any crazier something completely sensible happens ……
The Macc Lads are back …. and the reasons are simple ….
In the dark ages, there were a band of Lads united with a common goal… to insult every bugger in sight. And they were quite good at it. Then one day the CSA came knocking, and everyone had to get a proper job. Pension funds were plundered, guitars were sold, and steadily each of the Lads became even more fat, grey and drunk.
As luck would have it all their kids grew up at the same time, and started asking questions about where they came from, and those that were still living with the Lads (on the cellar floor) wanted to know who their real mothers were. So they decided to find them.
Muttley had this idea that they might be able to do it if they started another band, because instead of us looking for women, they would come to them. It was a brilliant idea. Bammy found one dead quick, then Muttley, and before they knew it knickers and bras were being thrown on stage instead of pints and piss. FILF went round the country exciting other mens women, and their mums, and grans.
But still The Beater was miserable and unfulfilled. Stez demanded that they play more often because income was slow, and if they didn’t play more often he threatened to kill everyone in the room. Muttley quickly found a disused pig farm and they set about a plan to restock the Beaters pension fund which he was soon going to need. Bammy needed faster broadband, Chorley wanted some hair clippers, Stez some torture equipment, and Muttley a new sock drawer as his foot complaint had finally cleared up. But even at ten bob a night this was going to take a very long time.
Bammy had worked in a pie shop once, and by way of anecdote informed everyone that people were more likely to come in for home made pies than the ones he got from the Cash and Carry. So a new plan was hatched to play more home made songs, more often. And sure enough there were soon dozens of mums banging the door down claiming they were the mothers of their children.
Thus The Macc Lads are re-born. If Stez doesn’t kill any of them they will all be appearing at Rebellion in August. A November tour has also been announced – ‘mumsnet’ and ‘fathers4justice’ already bought all the tickets.
The Beater raised a smile but claimed it was a twitch. Stez has replaced his torture room, Chorley has a personal hairdresser, Bammy has invested in a bullet proof vest, and Muttley was overheard saying “I hope they don’t start asking me to pay for my pints down The Nags after this.”
Jonny Wah Wah now puts some questions to the Lads …. All the questions are answered by each member – Muttley, Bammy, Stez, The Beater and Chorley but you will have to guess who gives each answer …..
1 It’s 2018 and the Macc Lads are back is the world prepared ?
A: It’d better be!
B: Is the world interested? Let’s see!
C: We are having all venues fitted with Stannah Stairlifts and downstairs toilets
D: Sales of offal seem to have increased
E: It’ll be rubbish anyway
2 You have been playing covers around the country with F.I.L.F how did it feel playing a few Macc Lads songs from what was your own back catalogue ?
A: Never heard it called that before. Is it a euphemism?
B: The Manc lads did a much better job
C: Slimy Git (manager) made them play those songs so we would earn money that he is looking after for us.
D: I like that the words that rhyme with each other
E: Pre-cum probably covers it
3 How do Macc Lads songs compare with the all time greats you’ve been performing?
A: I’d say they hold their own.
B: Up there
C: They ARE all-time greats, you cheeky fucker.
D: Ours have got more rude words, that rhyme
E: What was the question again
4 Were you ever tempted to play more of them live ?
A: Yes, depending how drunk we are!
B: I like the part where all the women get their tits out the best
5 Has the warm and positive reception to F.I.L.F been a factor in the decision to perform again as the Macc Lads?
A: I need a new downstairs toilet
B: I need a new woman
C: I need a new extension
D: I need a pension
E: The cheques from Spotify might move into double figures
6 Have you listened much to the bands records since you all called it a day ?
A: Called it a day? Reminds me of the Les Dawson joke. Bammy was christened Tuesday Bamster because when the midwife showed him to his parents, his father turned to his mother and said, “ I think we’d better call it a day!”
E: There were records?
7 What bands do you listen to in general and what bands influenced the conception of the totally unique and uncompromising Macc Lads…?
A: Anything and everything, really, but it’s a toss-up between Kenny and Hurricane Smith.
B: Ramones, Undertones, Sir Cliff
C: Shakin Stevens
E: The Rubettes
8 You pushed boundaries with the whole Macc Lads image , perception and most definitely with the lyrics in the songs did you ever think “Oh no we might have gone to far with that one ” ?
A: Blackpool and back was far enough!
C: The Beater wrote one called: “I held them still, while Rolf worked his finger in.” We never played it, as it was rubbish.
D: Which one?
E: I’m not that familiar with the words to be honest
9 I don’t think enough credit was ever given to you for how cleverly written the song lyrics were , did that ever bother you ?
A: As long as it rhymes
B: You don’t write stuff for critics, you write stuff that’ll make the woman on the 3rd row drop her bloomers
C: Always look at the APR before taking credit – the lower the better
D: Credit is debt slavery
E: I can’t get any credit
10 You used to sell out shows all over the place with little or no publicity other than what you generated yourself as you were one of the first bands in the Punk scene to be totally D.I.Y. proud of that ?
A: Slimy Git looks after me
B: Slimy Git looks after me
C: Slimy Git looks after me
D: Slimy Git looks after me
E: Its piss easy. Erm… I mean it takes lots of hard work and concentrated effort. Some days I don’t even sleep. These lads have a lot to be grateful for.
11 How did you run such a tight ship while living the chaotic lifestyle of a Macc Lad?
A: We ran a tight ship, living in a shite tip
12 Where was the craziest show that you ever played and what happened ?
A: I think most bands get them, to be honest, so we’re no exception.
B: Someone threw a cow’s udder on stage
C: Played in East Germany, where nobody spoke English. The crowd knew all the lyrics…. but not what the words meant.
D: I saw pigs ear sailing through the air
E: Someone threw an entire toilet on stage once
13 Did you ever get any obsessed fans who maybe tried to act out the Macc Lads ethos a bit too literally ?
A: Some have even started tribute bands
B: 1 fan had the 1st album tattooed on his chest
C: 1 fan has me tattooed on his leg
D: Why do people pull funny faces when they meet me
E: I’ve never met any of them
14 What about your female fans ? Did you get many back in the day and what feedback did you used to get from them ?
A: We’ve always had women at our gigs, and they seemed to have a good time.
B: They were only after one thing
C: Yes, blow jobs
D: I’ve been going through the back catalogue
E: It’s usually the sound guys fault if I get too much feedback
15 You were banned from a lot of places did you get visits from the authorities regularly ?
16 Do you all still live in Macclesfield ?
ALL: There are other places?
17 Is there still a chippy on Sunderland Street ?
You mean “Gordon’s”? When potatoes were brought back from the New World, Gordon was the first person to slice them, coat them in grease and pour animal fat over them. Thus chips n gravy was born, and Gordon’s flourished for 400 years, until fur was found in a cod fillet in 1992.
18 Who was the real Sweaty Betty ?
A: Muttley’s Mum
B: Bammy’s Mum
C: Chorley’s Mum
D: Stez’s Mum
E: Beaters Mum
19 Did anyone know Miss Macclesfield? ….
E: She was rubbish
20 You are supporters of all things in and about Macclesfield and you certainly put it on the map for a lot of people how is the band thought of around the town ?
A: No idea
B: I’m well thought of in the Internet Cafe
C: I’m well thought of in A&E
D: I don’t get out much these days
E: Life is much simpler with a bus pass
21 What about putting a list of everyone’s favourite Macc Lads albums and/or songs …here ….
Why don’t you just fuck off….
22 What is the best rhyme in a Macc Lads song ?
A: Macclesfield / knackers feeled.
B: George Michael / menstrual cycle
C: George Michael / menstrual cycle
D: Lying in a fucking field, outside of Duckinfield
E: Have you smelt her breath, she’d crush a man to death
23 Muttley wrote all the lyrics yeah but was the music written as more of a collective ?
24 So you have chosen the Rebellion Festival as the platform to showcase the Macc Lads comeback gig , did it seem a natural fit after playing there last year with F.I.L.F ?
A: I think so, yes. Last year was so much fun, we just wanted to keep doing it!
C: It’s all been a bit sudden
D: Prozac has helped me a lot
E: I made a few bob dealing Prozac
25 Is the thought of this comeback as exciting to you as it is to the legions of fans that I know are still out there and are literally wetting themselves with anticipation … ?
A: Indeed it is! However, given our respective ages, we wet ourselves regularly!
B: Very excited!
C: Can’t fookin wait
D: The band are always wetting themselves. Have been for years. The van smells like on old peoples’ home. Which is exactly what it is.
E: My cumshots certainly seem to be going further
26 Any thoughts on new songs?
E: Erm… No.
The Macc Lads play the Rebellion Music Festival in Blackpool on Friday 3rd August and then they will be touring the UK in November …..
Full details and up to date news here ….