I’ve been focusing a lot on happiness recently.
Happiness is hard for me.
Especially ‘deciding’ to be happy.
It feels so inauthentic like I’m cheating or faking it and I hate it.
But I’m finding it in the quiet moments.
The ones I take charge of before the other thoughts can begin their familiar waltz in my subconscious.
It’s slow moving work; these happy thoughts.
In order to establish a new pattern of behaviour, you have to recognize when you’re reacting in the negative pattern of behaviour, and then work to eliminate that pattern. Most of these patterns have become such deep running habits, it’s become a subconscious reflex to use them without recognition.
So recognizing them, to begin with, is a lot of work.
A lot of concentrated thought goes into my actions and words these days.
I forgot I had a choice in how I can react.
Remembering that brought me happiness, but once I found I was happy, I got scared. I thought:
‘I don’t know how to react any differently. I didn’t know how to keep this happiness.’
Once I got scared, the happiness was gone. Cynicism took its place, and that made me mad.
The next time I found myself becoming happy, I feared its longevity and again, I buckled under the pressure of sustaining it.
Now, it took a while, but slowly I began realizing this pattern.
It is frighteningly normal for me to squander any happiness; I am truly terrified to watch it grow.
Realizing this, I am now beginning to put in some work on the opposite end of the scale. Putting in the work to love me.
I wake up and begin to count my blessings before I do anything else.
I look in the mirror and tell myself everything I am capable of, everything that I already am/am going to be, and everything that I love myself for. And then I begin to move through the day in a meditative spirit, continuing these mantras in the hopes these thoughts become easier to live in.
These practised acts of self-love and kindness are something my depression and B.P.D target to destroy even at the inception of thought.
Pair mental health with the already daunting feelings of absurdity and inauthenticity that come with feigning happiness and you may be asking yourself, ‘Erin, why are you still trying to do this?’
And the answer is quite simply, “Because it’s working.”
I am strong. I am powerful. I am creative.
Find what you love about yourself this week. Inspire a look based on your favourite thing about yourself. But more importantly, challenge yourself to appreciate the things YOU do well. ❤